Life Thoughts · Rambles

My fear of close friendships

(long post/rant to save my friends the dread of hearing this again lol)

In every friend circle/group, I’ve always had that one friend, whom I would be close with.  And to those close friends, I would tell them everything – from the simplest to the most complex. But within that small group of close friends, of different groups, I would have some who I don’t really talk with but still have heart to heart talks from time to time, or have long 2 am talks.

There are also another group of close friends in which I don’t know how I feel about anymore. I don’t like to play victim, when I say this, but it’s honestly the best way to describe how I feel. My feeling is that I feel ‘dropped’. What does that mean? It means where one side just suddenly stops talking or hanging out as often or anymore.  It makes me wonder what did I do wrong. Was it me or did something just happen that happened between us.  The feeling of being dropped is like breaking up with a significant other, but that other is your close friend.  It raises questions that you question when you break up with a significant other. I would question myself : If I’m going to be hurt in the end, why should I invest in these close friendship in the first place? Why not just protect myself in the beginning so I won’t feel this way in the end? Why should I value this close friendships when the other clearly doesn’t? That feeling of being dropped just really hurts.

I was talking to my friend over dinner about this.  She couldn’t answer. But she did say  this – some friendships come and go. And maybe those ‘bad’ ones were the ones that just needed to go.

I thought about it more. I came to a similar conclusion. But added a little more. Some friends may have hurt me, but its possible that I have also hurt them too. And I should accept that those friends might come and go. Yes I will feel sad and hurt, but that feeling won’t last. Because, I also friends who were there for me when I needed them the most. Its those friends and friendships that I should cherish. Because those are the friends that I can really call my close friends.

(if you made it here. Thank you  cuz it means a lot ❤ )

Rambles · The Paddling Life


(If you’re gonna say something bad or judge me  and comment about it. Please don’t . I really can’t deal with it right now.)

Have you ever had those days where nothing feels right? Where your bubble is burst? Where somewhere that may seem so happy and bright suddenly seems dark and depressing?  Thats where I am right now.

I live a very privileged and sheltered life. Parents took care of almost everything. Had nothing to worry about. I become complacent. I never sought for more or to learn more. I stood still.

It was even more evident after  I came back from my London trip. My drive to move up in the society ladder burned out. My motivation to improve fell short. Everything just stopped.

My current place in life can be summarized by 3 things: school, work , and dragon boat. School started immediately after my trip. So I spend work hours either studying or dealing with work related duties. As for training, I dropped a good 2/3 of the required workouts.  I kept up with team practice as much as possible, to keep up with the social side of life. School, work, dragonboat, and repeat. thats my life.  But as time went on, I grew comfortable with where I’m am. But that’s my current place in life right now in a nutshell . This is where I am at. This is where I’m stuck.

As the world moves continues to forward, I somehow just stopped moving. I stayed at my place. As a generally a happy looking person, for the longest time, I’ve been stuck in a place that’s not so happy.

(Unrelated: Dragon Zone felt like home to me. A place where I knew I would always welcomed It was a place where I felt safe to be me. It was my happy place. Whenever I have bad day or not happy, I would just take out an outrigger canoe for one and just go out. Go as along as my arms and body can take. When I need a break, I just stop. I close my eyes and let myself breathe in the fresh air.  Embrace the place around me. A place where judgement does exist, but only to motivate others to improve. A place where real friends are made. A place where friends become family. After I was done, my mind would always be in a better place)

Again, if you decided to not read my first couple lines , please don’t comment anything bad, unless its advice cuz I do need it. But, this is my place, where I am free to write my thoughts and feelings out.


January (Rambles)

Just a ramble post to clear my mind so I can start studying for midterms. (see below for my picture of the month)

January was filled with stress and anxiety as I approach my last term of University. I kept questioning what I wanted to do in May, when I graduate. I kept asking myself if I really wanted to go through with getting a diploma in Accounting, or do I want to continue on my path of Statistics. As I walk on the streets of Vancouver, I see homeless men and women with their hats flipped out, and asking for money. I can’t help but wonder would that be me someday. People say just apply to things and things will start working out. But if I don’t have a goal or a target, how do I know if my current path is the right path. How do I know I’m not wasting more time. There are no answers to those. But, these thought made me more and more anxious about my future. I hope I can find out some answers in the upcoming months.

But even though its been hard, I’m going to try to keep my head held high and continue to walk with a smile.

Picture of the Month: : Just Smile